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Dalip:"Bomb not go off."
Siegfried:"Oh really bright eyes, what alerted you? Was it no boom boom or the lack of a mushroom cloud?"
Shtarker:"It was the mushroom cloud for me."

Siegfried:"This is KAOS. We don't 'ka-fricking-boom' here."

Agent 99:"Ok Max, a little heads up. These are high intensity lasers, so whatever part of you does touch gets sliced off."
Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"One more reason why boxers were a bad idea."

Agent 99:"Are you staring at my butt?"
Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"No I am not. I might have been before but I... Now I am again. Alright, I'm stopping."

Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"I think it's only fair to warn you, this facility is surrounded by a highly trained team of 130 Black Op Snipers."
Siegfried:"I don't believe you."
Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"Would you believe two dozen Delta Force Commandos?"
Siegfried:"No."
Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"How about Chuck Norris with a BB gun?"

Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"I request the cone of silence."

Siegfried:"How do I know you're not CONTROL?"
Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"If I were CONTROL, you'd already be dead."
Siegfried:"If you were CONTROL, you'd already be dead."
Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"Well neither of us is dead, so I am obviously not from CONTROL."

Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"You know what? I will tell you, I love your country. No more communism, no rules of any kind really. I'm filling my suitcase with steroids and art from ancient Mesopotamia, ran over an old woman yesterday, best vacation I've ever had!"

Agent 99:"Did you see anything while I was dancing?"
Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"Just once, but I don't think you expected him to lift you so high."

Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"Is that your default setting? Do you just punch people in the face, willy nilly? Its Tuesday, I'll punch Max in the face. Oh, a box of kittens, time to punch Max in the face. Oh, I'm having some bread, time to punch Max in the face."

Maxwell Smart (Agent 86): "23, your knife wound is seeping. Sudden rise in blood pressure? Perhaps you're nervous. Nervous because there is a bomb here and you know it. And what is with the briefcase? Could that actually be the football?"
Agent 23: "By football you mean the computer containing the bomb activation codes?"
Maxwell Smart (Agent 86): "That is exactly what I mean. I have no interest in a real football unless it is signed by Joe Montana and I don't believe that is the case here."

Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"Hey dumb guards?! Why don't you come in here so I can make you my pretty little girlfriends! You'll have to shower for weeks!"

Hymie:"I don't see a man, I see two little girls. I think I'll call you Maureen and you Brittney."

Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"You've got to be kidding me!"

Larabee:"I'm a trained killer you know. I can kill you with anything in this office. You want to die by post-its? Because I can make that happen!"
Agent 91:"And that's a slow death."

Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"You know, I am not completely incompetent without a gun. I am a master in the art of Hwa Rang Do."

Larabee:"You know, people often say things that they really don't mean. 'Leathery hag'. 'Fat cow'. 'Ungrateful whore'. Just words really, that shouldn't be used against you in a custody hearing."

Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"Missed it by that much."

Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"Mother of pearl!"

Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"Where are the Chief and 99?"
Bruce:"They flew to L.A. to talk to the President."
Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"I need to get out of here before someone else comes to stop me."
Bruce:"I suggest you overpower us."
Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"Good idea. Bruce I will smash you in the face."
Bruce:"Thank you."
Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"Lloyd, I will simulate your disembowelment."

Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"Well that is a sucker punch to the gonads."

Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"You know what, I never saw James Bond in rats or poop, let alone rats and poop. Oh look, a rat riding on a piece of poop."

Agent 23:"You know, Chief, he didn't unjam the copier. We have rules here, you know that. If you don't follow the rules then what are we?"
The Chief:"I'll tell you what we're not, we're not people who jam staples into other people's heads. That's CIA crap!"

Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"It doesn't get any better than this-nk. See what I just did? I added an 'insk' at the end of the word, made it sound Russian."

Bakery Counter Woman:"Free rugelach?"
Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"No, thank you. I am here for something else."
Bakery Counter Woman:"Bread?"
Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"Something hot."
Bakery Counter Woman:"We have rolls that just came out."
Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"Even hotter. Much, much hotter."
Bakery Counter Woman:"I already have boyfriend."
Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"Alright."
Bakery Counter Woman:"Although, I could make exception."
Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"No, that's okay."
Bakery Counter Woman:"Sure? Flour sacks in back, very comfortable."
Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"I don't think we're on the same page."

Shtarker:"That actually makes sense."

Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
The Chief:"I don't know. Were you thinking, 'holy s***, holy s***, a swordfish almost went through my head'? If so, yes."

Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"I am so sexually threatened right now."

Maxwell Smart (Agent 86):"The old 'call forwarding from the shoe phone to the cell phone so you don't know where I am and then I appear on the roof behind you and surprise everyone' trick."

Agent 99:"Do you ever think before you speak?"
Larabee:"No, I just whip it out there."

Shtarker:"How did you choose the target? Why Los Angeles?"
Siegfried:"Major city, lots of media attention and the President will be there."
Shtarker:"Ah, still. It's too bad about all the dead movie stars."
Siegfried:"Yes. What will we do without their razor sharp political advice."