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Daniel:"So what's the problem, Sammy? Is it just Mum, or is it something else? Maybe school? Are you being bullied? Or is it something worse? Can you give me any clues at all?"
Sam:"You really want to know?"
Daniel:"I really want to know."
Sam:"Even though you won't be able to do anything to help?"
Daniel:"Even if that's the case, yeah."
Sam:"Okay. Well, the truth is actually. I'm in love."
Daniel:"Sorry?"
Sam:"I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is, I'm in love and I was before she died, and there's nothing I can do about it."
Daniel:"Aren't you a bit young to be in love?"
Sam:"No."
Daniel:"Oh, well, okay, right. Well, I mean, I'm a little relieved."
Sam:"Why?"
Daniel:"Well, because I thought it would be something worse."
Sam:"Worse than the total agony of being in love?"
Daniel:"Oh. No, you're right. Yeah, total agony."

Just Judy:"All I want for Christmas is you."

Sam:"By the way, I feel bad. I never asked you how your love life is going."
Daniel:"Ha ha. No. As you know, that was a done deal long ago. Unless, of course, Claudia Schiffer calls, in which case I want you out of the house straight away, you wee motherless mongrel."
Sam:"Ow."
Daniel:"No, no, we'll want to have sex in every room. Including yours."

Prime Minister David:"Anything to put off actually running the country."

Jamie Bennett:"I love you even when you're sick and look disgusting."

Karen:"Now which doll shall we give Daisy's little friend Emily? The one that looks like a transvestite or the one that looks like a dominatrix?"

Harry:"Tell me, exactly, how long it is that you've been working here?"
Sarah:"Two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, what, two hours?"
Harry:"And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer?"
Sarah:"Um, two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, an hour and thirty minutes."
Harry:"I thought as much."
Sarah:"Do you think everybody knows?"
Harry:"Yes."
Sarah:"Do you think Karl knows?"
Harry:"Yes."
Sarah:"Oh, that is, that is bad news."
Harry:"Well I just thought maybe the time had come to do something about it."
Sarah:"Like what?"
Harry:"Invite him out for a drink and then, after about twenty minutes, casually drop into the conversation the fact that you'd like to marry him and have lots of sex and babies."
Sarah:"You know that?"
Harry:"Yes, and so does Karl. Think about it, for all our sakes."

Billy Mack:"Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don't buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free!"

Colin Frissell:"I've just worked out why I can never find true love."
Tony:"Why's that?"
Colin:"It's English girls. They're stuck up, you see, and I'm primarily attractive to girls who are, you know, cooler, game for a laugh. Like American girls. So I should just go to America. I'd get a girlfriend there instantly. What do you think?"
Tony:"I think it's crap, Colin."
Colin:"No, that's where you're wrong! American girls would seriously dig me with my cute British accent."
Tony:"You don't have a cute British accent."
Colin:"Yes, I do! I'm going to America."
Tony:"Colin, you're a lonely, ugly arsehole, and you must accept it."
Colin:"Never. I am Colin, God of Sex. I'm just on the wrong continent, that's all."

Colin Frissell:"Morning, my future wife."

Joe:"Ten minutes at Elton John's, you're as gay as a maypole!"

The US President:"I'll give you anything you ask for, as long as it's not something I don't want to give."

Jamie Bennett:"A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."

Daniel:"So, let's go. We can definitely crack this. Remember, I was a kid once, too. So come on, it's someone at school, right?"
Sam:"Yeah."
Daniel:"Aha, good, good. And what does she, he, feel about ya?"
Sam:"She doesn't even know my name. And even if she did, she'd despise me. She's the coolest girl in school and everyone worships her because she's heaven."
Daniel:"Good. Good. Well basically, you're ****ed, aren't you."

Prime Minister David:"Uh, yes, I'm very busy and important. How can I help you?"

Prime Minister David:"Oh no. That is so inconvenient."

Karen:"So what's this big news, then?"
Daisy:"We've been given our parts in the nativity play. And I'm the lobster."
Karen:"The lobster?"
Daisy:"Yeah!"
Karen:"In the nativity play?"
Daisy:"Yeah, first lobster."
Karen:"There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?"
Daisy:"Duh."

Sam:"Let's go get the **** kicked out of us by love!"

Jamie Bennett:"Did I mention that I love you?"

Peter:"Do you admit the Brazilian prostitutes were a mistake?"
Mark:"I do."
Peter:"And it would have been much better if they'd not turned out to be men?"
Mark:"That is true."

Colin Frissell:"Beautiful muffin for a beautiful lady."

Sam:"I have a plan!"
Daniel:"Thank the Lord! Tell me."
Sam:"Well, girls love musicians, don't they?"
Daniel:"Uh huh."
Sam:"Even the really weird ones get girlfriends."
Daniel:"That's right! Meatloaf definitely got laid at least once. For God's sake, Ringo Starr married a Bond girl!"
Sam:"Whatever. There's this big concert at the end of term, and Joanna's in it. And I thought, maybe if I was in the band, and played absolutely superbly, there's a chance that she might actually fall in love with me. What do you think?"
Daniel:"I think it's brilliant! I think it's stellar! Uh, apart from the one, obvious, tiny, little baby little hiccup."
Sam:"That I don't play a musical instrument."
Daniel:"Yes sir."
Sam:"A tiny, insignificant detail."

Colin Frissell:"Try my lovely nuts."

Little Girl:"Please sir, please!"

Prime Minister David:"Hello Natalie."
Natalie:"Hello, David. I mean 'sir'. ****, I can't believe I've just said that. And now I've gone and said '****', twice. I'm so sorry, sir."
Prime Minister David:"It's fine, it's fine. You could've said '****', and then we'd have been in real trouble."
Natalie:"Thank you, sir. I did have an awful premonition that I was gonna **** up on my first day... Oh, piss it!"

Prime Minister David:"The SAS are absolutely charming. Ruthless, trained killers are just a phone call away."

Colin Frissell:"I am on shag highway, heading west!"

Jamie Bennett:"Oh shut up!"

Prime Minister David:"Right, who do you have to screw around here to get a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit?"

Secretary:"This is Terence. He's in charge."
Terence:"Good morning sir."
Prime Minister David:"Good morning. I had an uncle called Terence once. Hated him. I think he was a pervert. But I very much like the look of you."